I Shall Believe
by Eastern Glow
Summary: Set after the season 2 finale, Addison finds out about the whole prom debacle and we'll see what happens from there! Hope you enjoy it, read & review.
1. Chapter 1

**I Shall Believe**

Part One

_I Do Believe…_

Meredith stood between them. She knew what they both wanted, but she couldn't make that decision now. It was this realization she made... Finn would be obligation. Derek would be...Derek. Finn had become her Addison. But she couldn't think about that now. She could still smell Derek all around her. Finn didn't stand a chance if she made this decision now but the thing that was stopping her kept replaying over and over in her head;_ "He's married. He chose her." _She looked at Finn one last time and felt something...but she couldn't decide what. She wouldn't look at Derek, because she knew what she'd feel. Instead she closed her eyes, tried to think of something else and said out loud -

"Izzie," was all she could bring herself to say.

She whipped around and ran out of the automatic doors that she had been through so many times. This time was different...this time, they meant something. They meant running away. She didn't have a choice.

_Lay a whisper on my pillow,  
leave the winter on the ground.  
I wake up lonely, there's air of silence  
in the bedroom and all around.  
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away._

It must have been love but it's over now.  
It must have been good but I lost it somehow.  
It must have been love but it's over now.  
From the moment we touched 'til the time had run out.

Make-believing we're together,  
that I'm sheltered by your heart.  
But in and outside, I've turned to water  
like a teardrop in your palm.  
And it's a hard winter's day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.  
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without.  
It must have been love but it's over now.  
It's where the water flows,  
it's where the wind blows.

_It must have been love, but it's over now.  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow.  
It must have been love, but it's over now.  
From the moment we touched, 'til the time I ran out.  
It must have been love, but it's over now.  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow.  
It must have been love, but it's over now.  
From the moment we touched, 'til the time I ran out.  
It's where the water flows,  
It's where the wind blows.  
It must have been love, but it's over now.  
It must have been love...  
But it's over now._

Meredith drove herself home. She sat in the front seat of her Jeep Cherokee and just stared into nothing. But it wasn't the nothing she had hoped for. It was HIM. HE meant so much to her, that he had become the peace she looked for when she was lost. This wasn't the time for that. She opened her car door and moved quickly towards the house. The walk felt so long. She wanted to be making it with HIM.

_...Focus, Meredith. Izzie's needs you right now._

She walked in the front door and saw Alex standing in the kitchen sitting at the table with his face buried in his hands.

_He deserves that._

She realized what she was saying...

_You're not mad at him... shut up._

She walked into the kitchen. She stood across the room from him.

"How is she?" she asked him.

He pulled his head up and stood up.

"She's losing it."

"That's allowed. It's normal... not that this situation is anything remotely normal, but..."

"Yeah..."

"I should go see her."

"George is with her... I was but I..."

"Yeah..." Meredith replied.

He turned away, ashamed of himself for something and angry at himself for feeling ashamed. Meredith turned back down the hall, slowly paced up the the stairs and cracked Izzie's bedroom door. George was sitting up, Izzie's head was on his chest. Izzie wasn't crying, she was just still. Meredith decided not to interupt... she didn't know what to say anyways. She headed towards her room then realized her cell phone was ringing. She recognized the number on the display. It was Finn. She stared at it then pressed a button she couldn't really believe she was pressing. She ignored his call. As she did, she looked up at her bed... all she could think about was HIM and the memories that were all over this house. Suddenly she felt herself running. She ran down the stairs, out the door, and into her car. She drove... she didn't just drive, she raced. She didn't know where to... well, she did. But she wasn't going to let herself really KNOW it. Her mind would give her hell if she stopped for the slightest second and ignored her heart.

Derek walked out of the hospital door. Addison was ten feet ahead of him. She felt a tear rolling down her cheek. He stopped in front of the hospital door and looked back, stewing over everything that had occured. He felt like throwing up. But his heart was full and he felt light.

_She wore faded jeans and soft black leather  
She had eyes so blue they looked like weather  
When she needed me I wasn't around  
That's the way it goe s, it'll all work out_

There were times apart, there were times together  
I was pledged to her for worse or better  
When it mattered most I let her down  
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out

It'll all work out eventually  
Better off with him than here with me 

It'll all work out eventually  
Maybe better with him than here with me

Now the wind is high and the rain is heavy  
And the water's rising in the levee  
Still I think of her when the sun go es down  
It never goes away, but it all works out 

"I know what you did, Derek."

He shook his head and tried his hardest to erase HER from his mind.

"What?"

"How stupid do you think I am? HOW STUPID ARE YOU? Did you think I'd miss it somehow?"

"What are you talking about?"

"YOU SLEPT WITH HER, DEREK!"

He stood in silence... he hadn't even had time to think about it yet and she had already figured it out.

"Addison, I'm..."

She interrupted him.

"Stop, Derek. You're not sorry, and I'm sick of hearing you put yourself on repeat and not meaning a SINGLE thing you say to me."

"I tried..."

"No, you didn't. But I should have known before I even came The way you wouldn't take my calls... I told myself it was just because you were still mad."

"I was..."

"No, you weren't. It was because of HER."

"I just... We were over. I didn't think... I thought you would have moved on."  
"I had. But for some reason, I felt like I should have been with you."  
"Wait...what?"

"I thought I should be with you."  
"No, what do you mean you HAD moved on?"

She stood there without a word... Addison had forgotten that he didn't know that she and Mark had been more than just a fling.

"All this time...all the accusations from you, all the guilt, all the explanations. You had done the SAME DAMN THING!"

Addison took in what her husband was saying. She had known it would come sooner or later. She looked down to the ground then back at him. Something had changed. He had gone from heartbroken that Meredith had left without him to angry with his wife and now to...

"Why are you smiling?"

"Addison, I can't live like this. I tried... you were my family and I had decided that I HAD to try again. I did that and look what happened."

"Derek...I'm sorry I came back."

He looked at his wife and walked to her and kissed her on the forehead. He gave her a look that said everything. She smiled at him, felt another tear roll down her cheek, and took a step back from him.

"So this is it... again," Derek said.

"Yeah, it is. It's really real this time... and this is the last time." Replied his once and former wife with a deep exhale.

"God, I hope so." He smirked at her a little and then went back to his wounded puppy, brooding woodsman look.

She half smiled and laughed a little.

"So, where do you go from here?"

"I just don't know..." Derek said, the longing in his voice was unmistakeable.

"You're a liar. You do know... you've known since you ended it with HER last time. Go get her."

"I can't. I've hurt her so much... I've let her down time and time again... I broke her heart."

"She loves you, Derek. You're both just as bad as each other... just go."

"I don't even know what I'd say... I can't go right now, Izzie needs her. I have to figure out what to say, what to do... try and find a way to make things right."

"Well then, you go home and sleep."

"What about you? Where are you going?"

"The Alexis has a spa. Goodbye trailer, hello spa."

With that, she turned from her husband and got in her car. She pulled out and headed for her new life. Suddenly, she thought of Mark. Derek then went towards his car, before he got in, he took a deep breath. He knew what he needed to do... he just didn't know how to do it. He knew that for now, all he could to do was get home.

FIN!

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	2. Chapter 2

**I Shall Believe**

PART TWO

_Not everything is gonna be the way you think it 'oughta be..._

Derek sat in the parking lot of Seattle Grace Hospital. Listening to the words coming out of his car speakers, he rested his head on his steering wheel and was surprised at himself when he realized the tears rolling down his face. This couldn't be happening. HE was Derek Shepherd. HE had overcome medical school, internships, residencies, and was now an accomplished attending physician at an outstanding hospital. HE had overcome his wife's adultery and having to leave her. HE had left his precious Manhattan and moved across the country... the best thing he had found in Seattle was ferry boats. The ferry boats, with their amazing shape, gorgeous views, and the way they smelled... who was he trying to kid. Even his ferry boats, the thing he loved... they were her. God, he hated how he needed her, now more than ever. He gave in at Prom, not to her, but to himself... he had restarted something that he couldn't try to turn off again. He had to tell her and he would, come morning. Now he had to go somewhere. He had to go to a place that was her, since he couldn't be with her. More her than the front seat of his car, more her than that elevator, more her than his trailer... suddenly he saw her face, waiting for him on the hood of his car. With a bottle of cheap wine, a smile that was only hers, the rain glistening in her hair, that turtleneck and the way she wore it. It was perfect. He took a moment to think of what she said and where they went, what they did that night.

**_"I uhm... know this place where there's an amazing view of sunrise over the ferry boats..." she had said.  
His words just fell out of his mouth... "I have a thing for ferry boats."  
And so calmly, she came back with "I remember."_**

That was it... that was where he had to go. Before he knew what was going on, he was driving. It was a shorter drive than he remembered, then again, with her... time moved slower. He made it go slower. For some reason he just had to savor every second of her presence. He looked down for a second, he was tired, but he had to go, he was being drawn, like he was to her. He pulled onto a dirt road, it was up a hill a short way and then through some trees. He'd be there before he knew it... he'd have to himself eventually why he was there. But then he got there. He saw the outline of a car... an SUV... he came closer.

_Who would be here now?_

He saw someone, sitting in the grass overlooking the water... the ferry boats lit up in the distance...

"She's here..."


	3. Chapter 3

**I Shall Believe**

Part Three

_Seems Like Every Time I Try to Make It Right It All Comes Down On Me…_

He sat in his car, unable to move. Her head was buried in her hands so he wasn't surprised that she hadn't seen his headlights. The sounds of the ferry boats below, the traffic, and life in general, they were all greater than him. She must have been overwhelmed… he felt guilty. She was already dealing with so much and he knew that about her. He wasn't Finn. He had been there, he knew WHY she was scary and damaged. He loved her in part because of it.

_This is it… It's not going to wait until morning anymore, this has to be it._

He thought to himself. Derek was hoping he'd have more time to think, to compose himself, to get over the scent of her hair, the feel of her skin, the way her lips felt against his, he was hoping to be a little less captivated.

_This isn't about you. Just look at her, she needs to hear what's real, not what you've planned. You don't deserve time to plan this out._

With that, he stepped out of the car. Placing his first foot down onto the gravel of the make-shift parking lot, he felt so heavy, as if everything had been building up for the 6 months that he had been without her. Now he was a man on a mission. After a deep breath and tussle of his hair, he took a few steps, she finally turned towards him. Her face in the moonlight, her body slumped down like it was defeated, even in the dark; the look in her eyes broke his heart.

"Meredith, I have to tell you…"

"Not now, Derek. Please, not now."

"No, you have to let me ex…"

"Explain? Seriously, Derek? You want to explain!"

He could feel the anger in her veins… but he couldn't blame her one bit. He had left her, 6 months ago with so little to go on. She stood up and took a step towards him. There was a tear rolling down her cheek and again, his heart was breaking a little more.

"Just because you left her doesn't mean what happened can just go away!"

"I know, I just…"

She was sobbing now, her body trembling.

"FINN HAD PLANS! I was moving on and he had plans that involved ME. Not 'involved me depending on what flight his ex-wife was planning in flying in on' plans, but PLANS."

Derek looked down and sighed.

"You don't get to sigh here, Derek. I didn't choose someone else over you!"

"Meredith, I just have to…" he started, while moving towards her. His sentence was stopped when she put her hands on his chest and pushed him away. He felt a tear roll down his cheek. He never knew how much she could hurt him. He couldn't believe that the woman he loved, more than anything in the world, was pushing him away.

"DEREK, PLEASE… DON'T DO THIS! DON'T FORCE ME TO MAKE THE SAME DECISION."

"DAMNIT MEREDITH, PLEASE! JUST LISTEN… I LOVE YOU! I MADE THE WRONG DECISION."

His voice was raised to the point where she actually felt compelled to let him get a word in. She had never heard that tone in him before.

"Is that what you wanted to hear? I screwed up. I tried to do what I thought was the RIGHT thing, the NOBLE thing, and it didn't work. Because being noble, being right…none of it gives me you."

He looked at her and then found himself starring out towards the ferry boats that he admired so much.

"I broke your heart; I ruined what I love more than ferry boats, more than fishing, more than surgery, more than The Clash, more than anything… I tore that apart. I hate myself so much for that. I wake up with this feeling in my stomach, one that makes me feel like I've committed the most deadly sin. And I'm starting to trust that feeling. I'm ending my marriage, maybe I should have 6 months ago, maybe part of me needed this time to realize what an amazing thing I have in you…"

He looked back at her and stepped closer to her, leaving maybe a foot between them.

"But Meredith, I love you. I wanna help you get rid of the "obvious daddy issues" again. I want to be YOUR boy in the bars. I want to put back together what I know I broke. So what do I have to do? The stereo over my head outside your window? Okay. You want cheesecake? It's yours. I'll find every piece of cheesecake in Seattle. In all of Washington if that's what it takes. You can hate my music, none of that matters to me. Just tell me, Meredith… what do I have to do to make you pick me? To make you choose me? And love ME? What? ANYTHING. Just please, tell me."

With that she stared into his eyes. The eyes she had once trusted and loved so much. She saw so much truth in them. There was a pain there this time though… it was as if he had become somewhat lost. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to leave his wife NOW. That should have happened in the first place. She was trying to move on. Her days of lying in bed, dreading sunrise were supposed to be over. Her eyes were filled with tears, she was still shaking and her voice was lowered.

"Derek…I lo…I have to go."

She ran towards her Jeep and struggled with the handle. She finally managed to maneuver it open and climb into the light blue Cherokee. Soon the sun would be coming up and part of her knew that being there, with him, when the sun came up… it would be too surreal. It would be more than she could handle. Part of her already knew the decision she had to make, but she couldn't do it know. She needed it to be something that she could feel safe saying she had REALLY considered. In less than 12 hours, she had gone to prom, more than 10 years overdue with the man she was currently seeing, slept with the man she had loved…and well, still did, left without either one, and been begged to give her heart away again. It was all too much. Meredith Grey could NOT handle this. Not this time. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of running away from her problems again, it had brought her nothing but trouble in the past. But again, because of him, because of her heart… she felt as if she had no choice.

FIN!


	4. Chapter 4

**I Shall Believe**

Part Four

_Please say honestly, you won't give up on me…_

Derek had finally made his way home; he climbed out of his car and slumped towards his trailer. He stopped a few feet outside and looked around. He sighed and looked down, closing his eyes and remembering her face, so warm and inviting, without words asking him to take her hand, and what happened after, well, he'd never really be able to forget that. They had walked in, so long ago; she had looked around and laughed, then turned to him and smiled. God, he loved that smile, he'd do anything to see it now. With that, he walked into his home and turned to the refrigerator. He pulled a beer out and returned to his make-shift front porch. Sitting on the lawn chair, he looked at his watch. It was nearly 3am. Luckily, he wasn't on call. Unfortunately, sleep wasn't an option either, so he sat there, taking the occasional sip of his beer.

Meredith walked into her house and went up the stairs; she heard Izzie and George up talking, so she decided that she owed it to Izzie to make a stop in. She knocked on the door, which was cracked, and poked her head in.

"Hey." She said softly.

Izzie looked up and saw her friend at the door.

"Hey," she responded, her voice still shaky. "Wanna come join the pity party?"

Meredith laughed, "I didn't know we were allowed to have those. After all, we're interns."

"Yeah, well, this is the exception." George added.

Meredith moved to sit down on the end of the bed. George stood up and released Izzie's hand, which he had been holding for hours.

"I think I'm going to go get some coffee. You guys want anything?"

"Chocolate" the women said in unison.

"Right. I'll be back, promise."

George moved out the door and down the stairs towards the kitchen.

"So…"

"Yeah, so…"

"I miss him…" Izzie said.

"Yeah," Meredith said. She looked down and started fiddling with her hands, as she did when she was unsure or restless.

"You too, huh?"

"Pretty much."

"Well I guess you have right, you can't get him back either."

Meredith looked towards Izzie. "Not exactly..."

Izzie gave Meredith a puzzled look. "What? He's with Addison."

"Izzie… at prom, tonight… we slept together. I got upset and he followed me and it just happened. I'm not proud of it, but it did and… then he tells me that he and Addison are over and that he still loves me and that he'll do anything. But he can't just do that, right? He can't just make what he did go away. I mean, it was big. It was really, really big. Am I wrong on this one?"

"Well…"

"You think I'm wrong, don't you?"

"Pretty much, yeah. Look," she started to say between tears "I've lost the man I love…I can't get him back. You've got this opportunity that most people would kill for. WHY would you NOT take advantage of that?"

"I just…"

"Meredith, no offense, but SHUT UP. Denny died. We got engaged and now he's dead. I CAN'T get him back. The guy you love came back. Not only did he come back, but he threw himself at you. You turned him down, and for what? Because it wasn't good enough? Congratulations, Meredith. You threw away what I'd KILL FOR. Again."

Meredith felt her eyes welling up with tears. She half smiled and looked at Izzie, who was now absolutely balling.

"I don't know what to say."

"Just go…I think George got lost with the chocolate."

"Should I really go now? I mean…it's nearly 3am."

"Are you asleep?"

"…Obviously not."

"You really think he's going to be?"

"…guess not."

"Stop making excuses."

"Right, I know. I'm going."

Meredith got up and went to the door; George had closed it behind him so Meredith opened it. George nearly fell into the bedroom. Apparently he had been listening at the door.

"Oh, God. Sorry. I just… and the door was… and well…"

"She wants chocolate George. And I think she's going to need a shoulder… she seems to like yours."

Meredith started walking down the stairs.

"Hey, Meredith?" George called to her. She stopped on the stairs and turned around.

"Hmm?"

"Good luck."

She smiled in appreciation and left the house. It was 3am…and she was about to make the biggest choice she thought she'd ever faced.


End file.
